Join The Calculator Cult

Last week I saw maybe the best Saturday Night Live sketch I have ever seen. John Malkovitch was the host, and there were a few Christmas themed skits as is the norm this time of year.

The point of this post is simple, watch the sketch so you get the joke when I say "We're getting a calculator!" I have been quoting this sketch with rediculous frequency lately. John Malkovitch and Fred Armisen are awesome, even (or espcially) when Malkovitch miffs the timing on the last "WHOOOAAAA!"

Merry Christmas. Hope you get a calculator.

Welcome Bryan and his Mix CD

First and foremost is an exciting announcement. My nearest and dearest friend Bryan will soon be joining Half Of A Wing as a contributor. I look forward to Bryan's views on music, movies, tv, fashion, pop culture, and anything else he wants to express.

I am a huge fan of the personalized mix tape/cd. They are like the perfect greeting card or thank you note or love letter. I have been making and receiving mixes from friends for as long as I can remember. Out of the ones I have received, some have been okay, some really good. Yesterday, Bryan gave me probably the best mix cd I have ever received complete with custom artwork and twenty one tracks of pure ecstasy (all except two I had never heard). I'd like to comment on a few of the highlights here.

Pants - Lemuria - Wow, what an incredible band, and a great song. Today is the first day I checked out this mix cd, but I can comfortably predict a longtime obsession with this band. A three-piece from Buffalo with those great female vocals that I love and great pop sensibility without being bubble-gum. Thumbs up.

Coin Operated Boy - Dresden Dolls - This is one of those bands where I've heard their name a million times but had no idea what they sounded like, and shame on me for that because they are great. Again, female vocals, but with a toungue-in-cheek delivery and lyrics similar to Folk Implosion's "Mechanical Man."

Here I Go - Syd Barrett - I have been a Pink Floyd fan since I was about nine years old. Though I have never touched a hallucinogenic drug I would argue that such is not necessary to appreciate the band's music. However, I only grew up with the Roger Waters/David Gilmour version of the band. I haven't heard a Syd Barrett song until now. Truth be told, I have been missing out.

I'd like to continue, but I am getting tired. I'll wrap it up with David Bowie, who enjoys two tracks on this mix, one of which is an awesome Pixies cover. I like things in threes, and David Bowie and Prince are two out of three in the trifecta of the most incredible musicians of all time who also broke into the mainstream. Who was the third? Shit, I can't remember. It was somebody good. Anyway...

A mix cd is like a gift. We can always ask eachother "hey, have you heard of xxxxxxx?" but the conversation may die at that moment. A mix cd (provided one makes the effort to put it into his/her cd player) ensures a true reccomendation will reach full fruition and I'll be damned if it isn't one of the most amazing forms of word-of-mouth procreation of musical culture that we have ever been part of.

The best song ever written...

...is Pulling Mussels (From The Shell) by Squeeze.

The song, released in 1980 on the band's third album Argybargy is to me the perfect pop-rock song. At four minutes one might think it clocks in a little lengthy, and perhaps that is why, amazingly, it never broke the top 100 singles charts.

Its starts full on, no slow build up, it just grabs you by the collar and pulls you in with no warning. It features a quality which I love in any song: the perfect balance of intensity and melody. As intense as the verse is, it builds even further on the pre-chorus and lets you down gently on the refrain, only to step on the gas again.

It also contains both a great guitar solo AND a great piano solo. I usually don't dig a piano solo in any song that isn't Madonna, but in Pulling Mussels it fits perfectly, and gives the song a nice jazzy feel right before "two fat ladies" make their appearance.

How are the lyrics? They are great too. It's mainly about random scenes on a beach and I'm pretty sure the narrator is telling us that he had sex with his girl "behind the chalet." I could be totally wrong about this, but theres so much going on in the story lyrically that even though it is totally literal, it could be open to interpretation, especially for me (see: "Party Lights").

Squeeze has had many bigger hits, and a lot of great songs, but Pulling Mussels (From the Shell) is the best song ever written.

The video below is somewhat interesting. The performance is at a considerably slower tempo than the album version.



While the clip above showcases the bands technical aptitude, it is even better displayed in this unembeddable video.

Carrie on My Wayward Son

It's always a good thing to give credit where credit is due.

Here are some mega high fives to Carrie Brownstein. We all know Carrie as the guitarist/singer in Sleater-Kinney, but I have found her to be as much an influence post-SK as while the band was making terrific albums.

Carrie's blog Monitor Mix is essentially the model for Half Of A Wing. I have tried my best to take the humorous yet informative, welcoming yet not too personal style of her blog as inspiration for mine. Even my ipod song reviews of the past are essentially a direct rip-off of her upcoming (hopefully) record review video vlog.


Thank you, Ms. Brownstein.

I used to be quite enamoured with her (I won't even get into "Locker 24"). While I still find her striking, I can look beyond that and really appreciate both in retrospect and real time the influence she has had on my creative output for so many years.

Also, let us not forget THUNDERANT

Grab Bag!

Is it laziness and lack of motivation or simply a lack of focus? I haven't posted in a while but I've had ideas floating in my head for some time. I'm going to tackle them all at once.

First order of business is a Guns N Roses update. I heard a song off of Chinese Democracy. I believe it was the title track. All I have to say is it sounds exactly like "The Everlasting Gaze" by The Smashing Pumpkins. Yes, we waited about fourteen years for a tired Pumpkins rip-off. I wasn't expecting much more than that anyway. Thanks Axl.

Revenge!

I wanted to write an entire post about revenge movies and how much I love them, but I don't mind relegating this topic to a few paragraphs. Last Friday I watched the film Hard Candy, featuring a pre-Juno Ellen Page. I wasn't expecting a revenge movie, but let me back up a bit. I consider a revenge movie to be one in which the main plot point or theme is revenge. This is not to be confused with a movie which has a "gotcha" ending like Michael Clayton. Such movies which fall into the revenge genre are Last House on The Left, I Spit on Your Grave, and the king of all revenge flicks, Kill Bill. In the case of Kill Bill there is pretty much no plot except a former assassin is seeking revenge on her former assassin friends for killing all the people in her wedding party and trying to kill her.

I guess it must be a vicarious thrill for me to see someone on the big screen carrying out revenge on those who did him/her wrong, but for whatever reason, I love these kinds of movies and Hard Candy certainly fulfilled this need for vengeance.

The synopsis of the film, courtesy of imdb.com is "A mature 14-year old girl meets a charming 32-year old photographer on the Internet. Suspecting that he is a pedophile, she goes to his home in an attempt to expose him." That and the promise of a masterful performance from Ellen Page was enough to get me to watch, but the movie delivered way more than promised. Yes, this movie could have been called "Ellen Page demo reel" but without spoiling anything, I'm going to give this film a high recommendation for tension which unfolds in unexpected ways, a revenge theme which unveils itself in a slow, satisfying style, and one of the most cringe-inducing "elective surgery" scenes ever committed to film.

Crystal Castles

If you're reading this, you are probably one of the three people who I know check out this blog (and I thank you guys, seriously). You also know how much I like Crystal Castles right now. I took the cd out of my car today, but I've taken it out before. This album is the only album in recent memory since Tegan and Sara's The Con that I just cannot, no matter how hard I try, stop listening to.


Get this album, asap.

They are, on first listen, just another electronic dance group. But after many, many listens I can testify that whether it is on purpose or not, they create soundscapes which bore their way into your brain like a bag of worms and fester there just long enough for the next track to change it up. Even their slow-tempo tracks are fascinating from start to finish. One of the things I love about them is that even though they have a main vocalist in Alice Glass, you cannot understand a word she says and I do not believe you are meant to. The vocals are more an instrument than a message for the song. For me, album of the year.

Football

Looking back at my baseball post, I see that is dated and irrelevant now, so I'll make this quick and disposable. I was telling a coworker today that I would actually be rooting for the Jets to beat the Titans on Sunday so that there would be no question that the Giants are the best team in the NFL. He posed an interesting argument: what if the Titans went 18-0 and met the Giants in the Super Bowl just as the Patriots did last year only for the Giants to beat them? Well, that would be totally awesome.

Love Will Tear Us Apart

On Tuesday I watched the film Control. It is a movie about Joy Division and their tragic lead singer Ian Curtis. I must say as I write these opening lines, I wish I was watching the movie again. I must admit I am not a Joy Division expert, I am a fan, and you may know my stance on thier peers in the style of late 70s early 80s synth goth. I will argue that The Cure and Echo and The Bunnymen while awesome, are really just darkly dressed pop bands, Joy Division truly delivered a bleak, barren sonic expression of life.

The film, thankfully, follows the cue of the band's music. It is both bleak and barren, but also beautiful. While it doesn't romanticise the rocker-suicide side of Ian Curtis, it sheds light on his personal demons. One feels sympathy for the man and his family without it being tugged out.

This film (directed by Anton Corbijn, the guy who made the "Heart-Shaped Box" video and pretty much every Depeche Mode video) is breathtakingly beautiful from start to finish and is a must see for anyone with even a casual appreciation of Joy Division.

Well, I'm going to wrap it up here. Thanks for reading.

November Rain

Don't ask me why, but I put November Rain by Guns N Roses on a mix cd that has been in my car for about the past three months. Its an mp3 cd, so there are about 150 songs on it. Ah, already I'm apologizing for this song, and that's the point of this post. It is just one of those songs, furthermore one of those bands, that you just can't really decide if you like, or if it is good.

Guns N Roses (GNR) were formed in 1985 and released their major label debut Appetite For Destruction in 1987. I was six years old in 1987, but I was pretty well aware of GNR at that time, even if most of their hateful lyrics went right over my head. I even wore this shirt a lot when I was in grade school.



Can you believe that? With all the guns shooting and knives and yes, a rose. I remember needles too, so either my memory is fuzzy or this is not the exact shirt. Either way, no fourth grader would make it in the door with this shirt on now.

Another funny GNR memory is when I was about that age I saw Axl Rose performing on television wearing an N.W.A. hat. I didn't know what N.W.A. stood for so I asked my dad. He obviously didn't think it appropriate to tell me the truth so he made up a slightly less offensive answer: "No Whites Allowed." Thats one of those things I can look back at now and laugh my ass off about, even though I didn't understand back then.

Of course by the time I got hooked on Nirvana et. al, GNR became the enemy. The Kurt/Axl feud aside, I remember a sound clip in the Nirvana film "Live, Tonight, Sold Out!" in which a music reporter quips that Nirvana are the Guns N Roses whom it is okay to like. I understand the comment, you can get all the aggression and rock and roll filth out of a Nirvana record that you can get out of a GNR record without the misogyny and homophobia in the lyrics. On the other hand, I think its okay to like anything, but thats kind of a different point.

Anyway its 2008 and every day for about a week, when the sports radio stations fade out as I'm about to come off the highway, I put on November Rain. At first it struck me as a really good song, then I thought it was really crappy. Now I can't decide, but I like it. The pros are that its a sweeping rock ballad with excellent guitar work from Slash. The cons are that the lyrics are stupid and Axl's voice just doesn't seem right for it.

So is November Rain a good song? Does it matter? Of course not. I just think GNR is a unique band for some reason.

One last point, the next GNR record, whatever it is called, is going to suck absolutely only for the reason of how long it has been in the works. Just think about it. It would be impossible to live up the anticipation (which has now all but dissipated), even if this album were as good as Appetite For Destruction. Everyone will say that it sucks, even if it is somewhat good. It is totally set up for failure.

Anyway just listen to November Rain and watch the awesome video.

The rhythm (based game) is gonna get you!

All I'm missing is "Samba De Amigo"
I love rhythm based music games. Maybe its the musician in me embracing the fake musician in me, but hitting buttons (or fake drums, or footpads, or guitar frets, depending on the game and peripheral) in time with my favorite (and not so favorite) songs will always be fun to me.

Rhythm based games like Dance Dance Revolution and Rock Band are the natural step-kids of Karaoke, the "fake it if you can't make it" singing culture that made its way from Japanese bars all the way around the world and back.

This post is basically a thank you note to my friend and real life band mate Jesse. Today he was nice enough to give me, out of the kindness of his heart, two brand new pairs of Donkey Kong Bongos and a copy of Donkey Konga.

Because of a friend's kind gesture, today is a special day for me. You see, until today I could not find a rhythm based game that my wife and I could play together. Up until today we have been somewhat of a music game odd couple: she with her DDR and me with my Guitar Hero. However within a few seconds of the first song we played together on Donkey Konga we were laughing, clapping and bongo-ing our way to music game marital bliss.

Thank you Nintendo, and thank you Jesse.

Classic Plastic

I've been wanting to write about video games for a while now, but didn't know what exactly to focus on. I still am not really sure where this is going to go, but with a notebook pc on my lap I have no problem rambling on about one of my favorite hobbies as I watch the TAMPA BAY RAYS WIN THE ALDS WTF???? (With my NL pick the Cubs eliminated my full support is now behind the Rays. Tampa Bay all the way.)

Like many people in my generation, I can remember the first time I saw Super Mario Brothers on the NES. At the time it was like nothing I had ever seen (the Atari 2600 and its counterparts were before my time.) I told my dad how awesome it was and within a week we had an NES in our house. I remember going to Sears with him to get it. It was so cool. We played SMB/Duck Hunt for hours upon hours.

"I wish I could shoot that effing dog!!!"

While the NES was quite a family affair for a short while, I particularly enjoyed the Super Nintendo when it was released. Unlike the NES, I felt like the SNES was 'mine' alone. Afterall, my family's interest in gaming had died out and the SNES was my Christmas present from Santa the year it came out.

My love for gaming continued on through each generation, and in 2000 I got both a Sega Dreamcast and an eBay account and so the cycle of buying/selling/collecting had begun. From then until about the time I started hanging out with Eileen I would buy a system and some games for it off of eBay, play it for a few months, and sell it back on eBay later to get something else.

Nowadays I pretty much have a no selling rule. I have found myself revisiting older games that I liked in the past more and more often so I've just decided to hold on to everything.

Until this summer I wasnt really concerned with retro-gaming or collecting. For my birthday however, one of my co-workers gave me a Sega Genesis (Model 1) with a Power Base Converter (an attachment which plays SMS games on Genesis) and a very nice array of complete Genesis and SMS games. It was such a nice assortment of goodies in that box that I was sucked right back into old-school gaming again.

Rather than trying to pile up games like trading cards regardless of my interest in playing them (something I have been guilty of in the past), I have really been actually playing most everything I have been adding to the shelves lately. Here are some of my observations.

1. You can still love a TERRIBLE game because of sentimental value.

Such is the case with Hard Drivin' and its sequel Race Drivin. I can't remember where I ever played this in the arcade (the Rockaway Mall or Wheels in Motion) but I recently got a copy for Genesis and it brought back some great memories. This game is one of many polygonal drving 'simulators' from the early 90s but with one awesome addition: the instant replay of every crash. The music is priceless, and once you realize the gameplay is essentially broken you'll realize it is more fun to slam your brakes at the top of the loop-dee-loop.
Look at this shit.

2. I can't believe what they got away with back then.

Today gamers are blessed with something called the internet. We can read reviews and view screens and even play demos of a game before buying it. In the 80s and early 90s we did not have this luxury.

Recently EB/Gamestop stores have begun liquidating Gameboy and Gamboy Color games, so I stocked up on quite a few, most for less than a buck each. Here's something funny I discovered. One of the screens below is from Baseball, the other is from Bases Loaded. Which is which? It doesn't matter. The gameplay is identical. Now, I could care less because I payed about fifty cents each for them, but what about the sports fan who payed twenty to thirty bucks for them back in the day? I think that would have sucked. You may ask "what do you need with more than one baseball game?" Well some people do like sports games.


Oh now I see, in one game you get the players' first names and in the other you get their last names.

Well this has been fun. More to come on this topic, hopefully very soon.

My ANTM Picks

Usually I watch America's Next Top Model so I can yell at Tyra Banks, and marvel at the vapid, empty, disgusting contestants.

This cycle (why do they call it that? am I getting my period?) the model hopefuls are much less vapid and vaccuous than usual, and I am actually enjoying this group a lot more than most because I am not getting as angry while watching.

The girls I pick never win. I tend to go for the best combination of personality and looks, which would make sense. My personal tastes don't agree with the judges I guess. Also as was noted in the last episode, there is a difference between being gorgeous and taking gorgeous photos.

Anyway here are my top three and also the one chick I can't stand (because theres always at least one):

1. Analeigh - Figure skater with a cute little head, big hair, doe eyes and big puffy lips. Cuteness piled upon cuteness. She won't win because she looks as young as she is.



2. Marjorie - I like Marjorie because she is compelling to look at, yet she is not "sexy," at least not in a typical way. I'm pretty sure she will not get far at all though. She has a lot going against her. She is very shy and has busted teeth for starters...



3. Sheena - I like Sheena and would like to see her stay on the show not because of how she looks or photographs, but because she seems like an awesome person. She adds a laid back style of positivity to the show that I have never seen before. Models such as Analeigh are nice to look at, Sheena is nice to listen to.



Before I rip on Elina, I'd like to make a comment about Isis. In the past I would have labeled Isis the "novelty" for this cycle and declare that she will never win as such (Isis is a pre-op transgender). However last cycle set the standard for the novelty contestant going all the way when they crowned their first plus-sized model as the winner. I don't give Isis much of a chance, but I won't write her off just yet.

As for Elina, I cant effing stand her. I yell at her more than I yell at Tyra, which is a lot. I've never yelled the phrase "Shut up!!" in 30 minute intervals more often. Elina is a self-righteous, self-centered, narcissistic idiot. Did I mention she is vegan? Did I mention she is a lesbian? Did I mention she is vegan and also a lesbian? Did I mention she is a vegan lesbian who hates her own mother? Yeah she is annoying as hell, and she does not look like Angelina Jolie, as the judges think she does. I hope she gets the boot asap, lest pretentious phony lesbo vegan brats permeate the modeling world.

The worst pitch-man ever.

No this isn't another poor attempt at sports writing. I just can't help but express my disdain at Sharp Electronics' choice of the star of their latest ad campain for their LCD Televisions and Sharp Solar Power.

His name is Gerard Fasel. He starts the commercial by smugly telling me "it seems like you need to be a physics professor to be able to pick out an HD tv..." I don't think it really seems that way at all. But then there is an inexplicable cut to an extreme close-up of Fasel where the albino braggart boasts: "Luckily, I am one."

As a matter of fact, Dr. Fassel is a professor of physics and mathematics at Pepperdine University. But he is physically unattractive and comes off as a show-boater right from the onset of the ad.

I guess Sharp is trying to appeal to the elitist in all of us the same way luxury car companies do in their commercials. I could accept that, maybe, if they had chosen a physics professor who looked more like a sexy librarian. After all this seemed to be John McCain's strategy when choosing his running mate for the upcoming presidential election.

I know I said this would wouldn't be a sports post, but I guess it is important to note that these commercials air with incredible unrelenting frequency on the YES Network.

Teach Them Young

What follows are two reasons why we are fucked as a society.

9-year-old boy told he's too good to pitch


Eight year old guitar player told to stop playing


As you can see, these two stories came out within a week of eachother and it quickly seems we have a rash of over-achieving youngsters being held back because they are "too good." Congratulations America, we have been punishing adults for being successful for a long time, now it seems the next logical step is to squash any attempt by a child to rise above the status quo.

This shit makes me absolutely sick.

Baseball

Ah how exciting it is that playoff baseball is only a month away! How excellent it is that this year's pennant race is one of the most exciting I have seen since recently (in the past five or so years) becoming a fan of baseball. How sad it is that the beloved New York Yankees have a very slim chance of getting into the playoffs.

I don't know enough about baseball to write a really smart analytical article on the sport, so I'll just tell you what I think right now.

First of all, even as a Yankee fan, I feel some people need to learn that the Yankees are not entitled to a playoff spot. Unless they win something like 22 of their last 29 games, they won't have earned it. To be honest, thats fine with me. Over the past few years I have evolved from liking the Yankees in the playoffs, to liking the playoffs in general, to liking the Yankees in general, to liking the American league in general, to liking baseball in general. Easy enough right?

So what happens to such a wishy-washy Yankee fan the first time they don't see the post-season since 1995? I'm jumping on the Tampa Bay Rays bandwagon of course! Oh, and the Cubs too.

First the Rays, Im pretty sure they have been the worst team in the A.L. East since their inception, and they have never won more than 70 games in a season, which is pathetic. This year they have lead the division for pretty much the whole season, and I say Tampa Bay all the way! Maybe if they win a world series they can sell some tickets to Tropicana Stadium, but prbably not.

And how about the National League? Im pulling for the sentimental favorite, the Cubs. Again, a bandwagoneer am I, but why not? They now have the longest standing dry spell in baseball and it just may be their turn on the 100 year anniversary of their last win.

So yeah, its an exciting time, even for a real pedestrian baseball fan, such as myself.

Christina Applegate

So my friends and my wife know I have a long list of celebrity crushes, both male and female. It is understood however, that it's not just an issue of "she's so hot." As it goes for a lot of people, there has got to be some substance to back up a pretty face and earn my admiration.

All of a sudden a few days ago, It struck me how rediculously gorgeous Christina Applegate is. You may ask "where the hell have you been for the last fifteen years?" but trust me, I've always been aware of her. My dad was a big Married With Children fan, and though I remember not really be allowed to watch it, I do remember seeing it sometimes. I imagine that most of the show consisted of airplane jokes for me around the age I was at when it was on. And sure, Christina as Kelly Bundy was quite hot even back then, but she was never a big deal to me.

So comes the news that Ms. Applegate recently underwent a double mastectomy to defeat breast cancer.

All of a sudden I think Christina Applegate is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I think she looks better now than back in the MWC days, and I only half know why. Am I all of a sudden enamored with her because I just realized how well she has aged, or do I admire her so for her courageous battle with cancer?

I don't know, but she is now on my list, and I wish her many years of good health.

Your art should be free.

You may or may not be aware that I play guitar and sing in a band called Annoying Customer. You also may or may not be aware that we recently completed an eight song piece of work entitled "Mongoose." (We don't know whether to call it an lp or an ep. It is eight songs and clocks in at about fifteen minutes. It is really a conundrum.)

In any event, we as a band wanted to make a quality product for the handful of people who have heard of us to enjoy. At first we struggled with the choice to self-publish or pay someone for pressing. In the end we went for self-publishing, and I am very glad we did. The final product is something all three of us are extremely proud of and we can say every copy was hand-made.

Though certain parts of recording and publishing were extremely stressful, we made it. One of the last minute decisions we made was how much to charge for a cd copy of "Mongoose." When all was said and done, it cost us ninety dollars to make 100 copies of a cd that, if I may say, looks pretty damn professional. In the end we decided to give our cd away free of charge. But we didn't come to that decision instantly. I'd like to discuss the actual concept of paying money for a piece of art, specificallly in the context of the band I am in and the cd we just made.

There are two schools of thought that come to mind for me when "this business of art" is brought up. The first comes courtesy of Joe Barbiere, the brilliant father of two former bandmates of mine. When faced with the "give it away or charge money" question in regards to a demo we had made, Joe offered these words of wisdom: When you give something away, there is a perception of worthlessness.

The second take comes from one of my favorite tv shows, Six Feet Under, in which one of Claire's art school professors proclaims "All artists should want to give away their work for free!"

Of these two ideas, I am lately leaning towards the latter.

We as a band have almost never made money for playing music in our near-decade together. It has never been our business to be in business. When we were in high school, we were happy to have gigs. Now we all have full-time careers, and are happy to have gigs in this hobby of ours. We are, and have always been, in the frame of mind that we are delighted that anyone would want to spend some of their valuable time listening to us. For that, you can have our cd.

What price can one put on a good album? With huge profit margains on cds and the industry leading to internet/digital publishing, what band can honsestly say they deserve money for you to listen to the work they did? I am leaning towards a rant so I'll wrap in up right here. I'll just say if you make art, consider the fact that you could be (or maybe are being) completely ignored. Someone's interest in your work is priceless. We should be grateful for anyone who shows interest in soemthing we created. Artists should want to give away their work.

Party Lights

"Party Lights" was the one hit of Georgia born R&B singer Claudine Clark. It was actually the b-side of her single "Disappointed." It is noteworthy that Clark wrote "Party Lights."

It is easily one of the best songs I have ever heard. As I listen to it, I am often brought to the verge of tears. The shear power and agony in the vocals pulls on my heart and causes my eyes to well up almost every time.

It seems to be a simple song. A young girl wants to go to a party across the street and her mother won't let her. I have a different take on the lyrics, which may explain my emotional response a little better.

I was tempted to type the lyrics, but it would be way better for you to actually listen to the song. You can listen as you continue to read below.



I am going to call the narrator Joy (Claudine Clark, in an attempt to repeat the success of "Party Lights," recorded under the name Joy Dawn later in her career).

Joy lives with her mother, they have a good relationship. Joy's mother is stern but fair. One fateful night Joy and her closest friends are in a horrific car accident in which all of her friends are killed and Joy is left in a terminal coma. Her mother spends every waking moment at her bedside, and it is taking a toll on her. Joy is all she has, but she is now brain dead.

In the song, Joy is having a near-death experience. She can see red, blue, and green lights. She can see all of her dead friends doing their favorite dances "across the street," i.e. in heaven.

She wants to die. She wants her mother to pull the plug, but she is unaware of her situation and couldn't communicate it if she wanted to. Her mother of course cannot let go, and has no plans to take Joy off life-support. Joy's friends are in heaven doing the twist and the mash potato and all Joy can do is look at her mother.

The song fades out as Joy cries "I wanna go, I wanna go, I wanna go..." In my mind I can hear the EKG chirping and ultimately sustaining the flatline, as Joy finally dies. Joy's spirit ascends into the party lights and she is reunited with her friends where they dance and party for all of eternity.

It's Me or Victoria Stilwell

For a short while, the time between 6:00pm and 7:00pm has been a little wierd for me.

I typically get home at 4:00pm, and my wife at 5:00pm. After going through the mail and chatting, we usually sit on the couch for some relaxation and dinner.

I can watch Cops any time, day or night. I feel like I have seen every episode but I don't care. Cops is on some channel somewhere almost 24 hours a day. I also like World's Wildest Police Videos on Tru Tv (formerly known as CourtTV) but it is really, really dumb. Its the kind of show where 30 seconds worth of grainy footage is repeated at different speeds and narrated over and over for about five minutes.

I didn't know it, but I was looking for an alternative to all this afternoon law-enforcement violence, and I found it by accident.

Animal Planet is right below TruTv on the proverbial dial, and a few days ago I accidentally tuned to it while gearing up for some high-speed chases. What I saw was a show called It's Me or The Dog, and I was blown away.

Truth be told, the show is very much like The Dog Wisperer, but the difference is in the hosts. I never liked The Dog Wisperer because I think Cesar Milan is a creep. The hostess of It's Me or The Dog, however, is not. She is Victoria Stilwell, and she is my new hero and crush.

First of all, she has a rediculous amount of style. She tends to only wear red and/or black, which is cool enough, but she also tends to wear either riding pants with a peacoat, or a leotard-like jumpsuit with a six inch thick belt. Then there's her voice. That beautiful high-pitched English accent is so sexy. She has just the right amount of class without seeming bitchy, and just the right amount of sass without seeming goofy.

But to be serious, what I really like are her techniques. Right off I noticed that she doesn't do that neck-pinching bullshit that Cesar Milan does. She emphasizes positive reinforcement and is strongly against any type of abuse.

I know these shows are edited to make trainers like Ms. Stilwell look like miracle workers, so I wanted a good reason to admire the woman and not just have a crush on her. I went to her official website and I was extremely pleased to read about all the work she does for animals, from anti-puppy mill work, to promoting pet insurance.

So my hat is off to you Victoria Stilwell, the sexy english dog trainer.

(Don't worry, my wife likes the show too!)

What good is half of a wing?

What good is half of a wing? This tired, illogical argument is used by creationists in a foolish attempt to create the impression that evolution is the means to an end. If birds have wings now, they must have "grown" wings over time, but what did they do with their little stubby half-wings in the meantime? Of course this argument misunderstands evolution in its whole. There is no "goal" for evolution. Because we know the state of living organisms now does not mean that billions of years of natural selection have been leading up to today. We are, right this second, within the flux of natural history, and will be forever (as as long as we're around at least).

While Trying to come up with a name for my blog, I cracked open The Counter-Creationism Handbook, By Mark Isaac. I recommend it to anyone who has come head to head with a seasoned christian apologist. I wish I had a pocket copy to carry around in my wallet for spur of the moment debates. The book catalogues every apologist argument from the absurd to the thought provoking, and provides the reader with well thought out (and thoroughly cited) rebuttals. "What use is half a wing?" appears on page 95. It caught my eye.

In any event, I think we all go through life with half of a wing, or half of an eye, or half of some other complexly developed organ. Do you have only half of a heart? Half of a brain? What good is it? Is the absence greater than the presence?

I would say that I would would rather have half than none of any of these things.

In our modern lives it is rather difficult to be 100% anything. I would be comfortable saying I am about half of a good friend, half of a good husband, worker, etc. But those half-wings in my life co-opt each other, making me a complete human being, for better or worse.

Like the universe, modern day western human social lives are a mixture of chaos and clockwork.

I have heard the argument that it is rediculous to think that a fish could move about on land.

I believe the mudskipper would beg to differ.